Sunday, 30 December 2012

How do you tell your neighbours you can hear them having sex?

How do you tell your neighbours you can hear them having sex? I say my neighbour (who's a man in his late twenties, early thirties) but I really mean my neighbours girlfriend! We'd only lived in our new home for three days when I heard her. Hubs was sound asleep and I was happily reading my book when all of a sudden a noise startled me. "Oh", I thought " they've got a Jack Russell next door". It was yapping away like small dogs do when realisation hit me! Oh my goodness, they're at it! They're having sex! Oh dear, was this going to happen every time or was they just having a laugh trying to wind us new neighbours up? A few days later I saw what I guessed was her car on their driveway. "Brace yourself", I said to hubs, "and don't get any funny ideas either"! "What you talking about" he replied looking confused? "You'll see" We carried on watching television when all of a sudden I faintly heard the tell tale yelp. "What's that noise" hubs asked looking slightly confused? I raised my eyebrows at him. "Oh, (pause) oh, (pause) ohhhh, (now speed talking) blooming heck, what's up with her"? The penny dropped! "What's he doing to her"? "Do you really need me to tell you"? "Can't he tell her to shut up"? Then hubs started to rant! "It's enough to put you off" So, what's the answer? I have a few ideas and I'd like your opinion. Idea 1 After the noise has stopped give them a round of applause shouting "bravo, bravo" Idea 2 When she starts yelping bang on the wall shouting to ask if she's ok and does she need an ambulance. (Hubs is convinced that she's being electrocuted) Idea 3 Hubs and I pretend to have a massive argument and I scream "go and have sex with her then" and he shouts back "not with the noises she makes I'm not"! Idea 4 As soon as we hear her run to their front door knocking furiously and then run away. (This idea makes me giggle, I can be so mischievous) Idea 5 Invite lots of friends round and charge an admission fee. Idea 6 Ask my mother in law if she'll go round to their house and just tell them straight! (This ones not the best idea as I don't think I could even say the word "sex" in front of her) After living here for over a month I do hope you can all appreciate our problem. I'm dreading having my son (aged 22), my parents and in laws (all in their seventies) visiting us when our next door neighbours are getting amorous (if that's what they're doing). My son would just be laughing hysterically (how immature) and I'm sure all the parents would just pretend they couldn't hear it (whilst hubs and I would look at each other wanting to laugh hysterically) So dear readers, please help! How do you tell your neighbours you can hear them having sex?


  1. haha!! i had this problem where we used to live Chelle,i added her on fb and told her i could hear her and her fella having 'special cuddles',she was mortified and apologised,if they ever bothered me after that i used to bang on the ceiling at them!!(we lived in a flat,they lived above me),i do sympathise though,she sounded like a bloody porn star lol xx

  2. I'm sure she'd be mortified too Louise. I've yet to actually see her. I'm sure hubs will mention it to him whenever he sees him. Awkward! xx

    1. it sure is awkward hun lol xx

  3. Helen your ex work colleage30 December 2012 at 09:07

    What about option 7) Go with the 'Jack Russell' idea. Approach her and ask if they are having problems with their 'dog' as you can often hear it barking in the night. Say that you know someone who is a vet if they need any help. That way you appear 'innocent' but they would sure as hell cotton on to what you're talking about and would hopefully do something about it. There would also be no embarassment on either side this way as you don't have to talk about 'hearing them having sex'!! Lol. Hope it sorts it self out soon!!!! Hx

  4. I will ask my neighbours at 46 as they have the same problem with number 48! You know, the ones with the alsatians lol xx Now you know why the previous tenants moved out ;)

  5. This has tickled me..send them a recording through the post!