Have you ever had a visit from the police?

Have you ever had a visit from the police? Well, I blooming have! It all happened last night and I've never felt so frightened in my life. Let me set the scene. It was midnight, hubs was working a nightshift and I was tucked up in bed. I wasn't asleep as my neighbours, who like night time activities (see previous blog), was being rather vocal! As you can imagine I couldn't listen to that so I turned up the television extra loud. I was hoping they'd hear it and realise why the volume was so high. After a few minutes I was back to silence. "Bliss" I thought and snuggled down to sleep. Then all of a sudden I heard tapping at my front door. I lay there not moving a muscle. "Oh my gosh, it's my neighbour coming to complain about my noisy tv" I thought. I was panic stricken. I wasn't going to answer the door and assumed if I stayed silent and unresponsive (unlike his girlfriend) then he'd go away. But no, the banging on my door grew louder and louder, then I saw a flashlight at my window. Now I was proper scared. I got out of bed and went to the window to see a bright light pointing right at me! I opened the window, my heart racing, and called down to who I presumed was my neighbour. "Hello " I called "Will you open your door please and let us in" a gruff voice answered back? "Who is it" my voice squeaked back? "The police" "I'll be right down" relieved it wasn't the Greek God Dionysus from next door. Within no time at all my door had been opened and three burly uniformed officers stood before me. "Can we come in" the youngest of the group asked? But before I could answer two of them was already in my kitchen. Wide eyed I just stared at them. "Is there anybody else here" the other asked? I went on to explain that hubs was at work and I was on my own. "We'd like to look in your garage please" the first cop said, and it didn't feel like a question. I handed the keys over telling them that there was a light switch on the left and it wasn't very tidy as we'd only been in the house for just over a month. "We can smell cannabis in the air and it seems to be coming from your garage" Goodness me they think I'm a drug dealer! "I actually thought you were from next door". I went on to explain my lively neighbours and why I didn't answer the door sooner. As one of them checked the garage the second stood in my doorway (I'm assuming so I couldn't do a runner in my fluffy slippers) and the third was outside trying to look intimidating (but failing) Now with all of us stood outside (I was pleased I'd put my dressing gown on as it was a bit nippy) and after the cop giving the garage a once over they were satisfied I was innocent. They went on to explain that a neighbours car had been found further up the road and it'd obviously been in an accident so they'd come to the address but no one was home and that's when the cannabis aroma had been noticed. The police made their apologies and left. I was a nervous wreck to say the least, you could see my hands physically shaking. I retreated back to the safety of my bedroom grabbing my phone I called hubs. After he calmed me down and I'd stopped peaking out of the window at the police concentrating on next door but one (maybe they noticed the air con unit on the roof of their garage) I settled back down to try and get some sleep (not that I got much). So, dear readers, have you ever had a visit from the police? Ps lighthearted innocent stories please, let's not get serious!

How do you tell your neighbours you can hear them having sex?

How do you tell your neighbours you can hear them having sex? I say my neighbour (who's a man in his late twenties, early thirties) but I really mean my neighbours girlfriend! We'd only lived in our new home for three days when I heard her. Hubs was sound asleep and I was happily reading my book when all of a sudden a noise startled me. "Oh", I thought " they've got a Jack Russell next door". It was yapping away like small dogs do when realisation hit me! Oh my goodness, they're at it! They're having sex! Oh dear, was this going to happen every time or was they just having a laugh trying to wind us new neighbours up? A few days later I saw what I guessed was her car on their driveway. "Brace yourself", I said to hubs, "and don't get any funny ideas either"! "What you talking about" he replied looking confused? "You'll see" We carried on watching television when all of a sudden I faintly heard the tell tale yelp. "What's that noise" hubs asked looking slightly confused? I raised my eyebrows at him. "Oh, (pause) oh, (pause) ohhhh, (now speed talking) blooming heck, what's up with her"? The penny dropped! "What's he doing to her"? "Do you really need me to tell you"? "Can't he tell her to shut up"? Then hubs started to rant! "It's enough to put you off" So, what's the answer? I have a few ideas and I'd like your opinion. Idea 1 After the noise has stopped give them a round of applause shouting "bravo, bravo" Idea 2 When she starts yelping bang on the wall shouting to ask if she's ok and does she need an ambulance. (Hubs is convinced that she's being electrocuted) Idea 3 Hubs and I pretend to have a massive argument and I scream "go and have sex with her then" and he shouts back "not with the noises she makes I'm not"! Idea 4 As soon as we hear her run to their front door knocking furiously and then run away. (This idea makes me giggle, I can be so mischievous) Idea 5 Invite lots of friends round and charge an admission fee. Idea 6 Ask my mother in law if she'll go round to their house and just tell them straight! (This ones not the best idea as I don't think I could even say the word "sex" in front of her) After living here for over a month I do hope you can all appreciate our problem. I'm dreading having my son (aged 22), my parents and in laws (all in their seventies) visiting us when our next door neighbours are getting amorous (if that's what they're doing). My son would just be laughing hysterically (how immature) and I'm sure all the parents would just pretend they couldn't hear it (whilst hubs and I would look at each other wanting to laugh hysterically) So dear readers, please help! How do you tell your neighbours you can hear them having sex?

How old are you?

How old are you? I'm asking because tomorrow is my forty-fourth birthday! Yep, I'm forty-blooming-four. Before you yell at me I know it's not old (unless you're younger and you do think it's old) and I'm not ashamed of it in any way shape or form but I just don't want to be that age. So I've decided that I want to be thirty-six. Why? Because its a nice number and why not? I've just thought, if I tell someone I'm in my mid thirties they might look at me and think I look really old for my age! Oh no! Ok, change of plan, tomorrow I will be .... forty-nine! Now I look young for my age! Result! Why do I care?, I hear you ask. Well, to be honest I don't know. Maybe it's because- A. Life seems to be passing by so quickly. B. My son likes to shout out my age and laugh as loud as he possibly can much to my annoyance. C. Birthdays and Christmas' aren't as exciting anymore. 4. The memory starts to fade. On the plus side of things I'll have a lovely day, my son may even visit, and hubs and I are meeting friends in the evening for a meal in my favourite Greek restaurant. I do enjoy my birthdays, a lot of people make a lot of effort for me and it touches my heart. I suppose I just don't want to grow old. Tomorrow I'm going to be forty-four! (I shout it loud and I shout it proud) So, dear readers, how old are you?

Do I need to lose weight?

Do I need to lose weight? I normally would answer "no I'm fine" and I suppose in some ways I am. Well, maybe I could do with losing the odd pound or two (about twenty-one to be truthful) but I'm fine, I really am, I'm fine. Honestly, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine..........

Hmmmm, actually,  I'm not fine, I'm overweight, there I've said it! I'm overweight, it's took me nearly forty-four years to achieve it (I'm strangely proud of that)! It's had it's ups and downs but unfortunately it's my weight that's  been on a big "up" for the last eighteen months so I think a "down" is long overdue.  

So where do I start? Well, I've pushed the not very healthy food to the back of the fridge/cupboards. I refuse to throw food away though, one day I might appreciate that kit kat or that pack of garlic butter! You never know I may even come across a diet that encourages copious amounts of warm garlic bread oozing with  butter (I'm not doing myself any favours am I?).

Seriously though, I decided to do something about it, with hubs too (if I'm on a diet then so is he). 

How? Was the next question. I asked my best friend as she's always watching what she eats and has a lovely figure. Weightwatchers? Slimming world? They both help an awful lot of people but Emma recommended a app for my iPhone (a free one at that). So I downloaded "My fitness pal" (the title frightened me as I'm allergic to anything that even resembles fitness) and what a clever app it is.  It asks for your sex, height, age, weight and how much you'd like to lose then all you have to do is log everything you eat or drink and also what exercise you've done that day including light housework and walking. It takes a bit of getting used to but it's very helpful. 

So we've been calorie counting for a week now and I'm delighted to say I've lost one and a half pounds. I feel thinner and I have more energy. It's s good start I suppose, hubs lost nearly twice as much as me (grrr), but I was hoping for a little more, and yes before you ask  I shaved my legs, had a pee (and emptied my bowels) speed ran on the spot for a minute or two (about 10 seconds in reality) to squeeze another ounce of fat out of me (urgh that sounds awful). 

I know this is the start of a very long journey, very long. Can I do this? Do I want to? I've eaten fish three times this week and that's a record for me especially as it hasn't been deep fried in batter (yum)! Oh how I love my fattening food, chocolate, chips and more chocolate, not forgetting alcohol. that reminds me, I'm out tonight with hubs and two other couples for a meal and drinks (and it could get messy)! 

I am fatter than I should be and I suppose for the sake of my health I need to do something about it even though to start with it may be tough. Or am I just trying to talk myself into it?

So dear readers, do I need to lose weight? 

How do we cope when our children leave home?

How do we cope when our children leave home?  We don't! Us mothers just cry and cry and wish we could turn the time back to when they needed us.  We look at baby photos, sit in their  bedroom and wallow in self pity feeling like our world had ended.  We are mums for goodness sake what else our we meant to do. What's are identity if we aren't "mum"? What's are role in life? What are we meant to do now? 

Just remember for one moment that we haven't always been a parent, that before being totally consumed by our little bundle of joy we were happy individuals. We were strong independent women. That's what we were and that's what we can be again (I say, sitting up straight with a determined face)! I'm not going to let this empty nest get me down! We should be proud of ourselves for bringing up our children into good well rounded individuals. Yes, we did it! A pat on the back!

But we'll soon discover that our "mum skills" are very much in demand. How to cook this, do we have to defrost that? What's the best washing detergent to buy? Why has the chicken we've just roasted have no breast meat on it? (because it's you've cooked it upside down). How much does this cost?  How much does that cost? 

See, our job hasn't finished has it!  It's just changed slightly. But now it's time for us to do whatever we want. Want to cook naked? Now you can, (though I wouldn't advise it)! Want to play Michael Bublè at full volume? You can with no one complaining that he doesn't rap.  

You've probably guessed by now that my son is leaving home (again). He left about a year ago but came back after six months. I'll never forget it.  Hubs was away working at the time (so I could cry all the time and feel sorry for myself).  On his last night at home we watched an episode of Cougar Town,  ironically it was about Travis leaving home and how difficult it was for Jules his mum. She wanted a poignant moment together which summed up their relationship and I wanted the same. There was so many things I wanted to say to my son-

•We've had a good time haven't we?

•I'm very proud of you. 

•Thank you for being a good son. 

•We did it mate, didn't we?

•I always be your mum and I'll always be here for you. 

•Oh and I'm not going to do your laundry!

But when it came to it, son just hugged me for about ten seconds and I couldn't speak, nothing came out of my mouth and do you know what? It didn't matter, the silence from both of us spoke volumes and that was our poignant moment. Tomorrow (september 14th) I've got to do it all over again.  Will it be easier the second time?  Will I be stronger?  I doubt it.  I'll just give him a hug and try my hardest not to cry (though I know I'll fail) and say see you later and he'll go.  Then I'll retreat to my bedroom and sob and sob and sob some more then take a couple of migraine tablets (I won't be caught out this time). 

I know I'll get used to son not living here but I think hubs and I will consider moving house to somewhere smaller.  New beginnings for all of us.  New home, maybe new hobbies. It's going to be an exciting time I suppose with new challenges and adventures. Starting with two weeks in Rhodes (a Greek island)! 

But wherever I am, whatever I'm doing I'm still, and always will be,  his mum. 

So dear readers,  How do we cope when our children leave home?

Do you prefer tea of coffee?

Do you prefer tea or coffee? I need to know as its very important. When you come round for elevenses I would like to serve you what you like the best. So before you come I'll go to the supermarket and get your favourites. 

What about a nice cup of tea? Yes? Would you like English tea or Assam (my favourite), Earl grey, darjeeling, green tea, mint tea, jasmine tea, camomile tea or a fruity infusion? You want English tea, good decision! Tea bags or loose tea?  Tea bags, ok! That's good and less faffing about.  Which brand? Yorkshire tea, Tetley tea, PG Tips, Twinings or Typhoo?   You'd like Twinings, ok, though they aren't the cheapest but never mind it's a special occasion.  Would you like milk with your tea? Yes? Full fat, semi-skimmed or skimmed? So you'd prefer semi-skimmed. 

What, you've changed your mind! Ok ok I'm not stressed at all! Coffee it is then! I could do you instant, filtered or I have a Dolce Gusto coffee maker, what's your choice? Instant? Well that surprised me, I thought you'd like a Dolce Gusto latte or cappuccino!  Did you know instant coffee was invented in 1901 by Satori Kato who was a Japanese scientist in Chicago. (Remember that fact and impress your friends with your knowledge, over coffee of course) Nescafé? Good choice, but which one?  Original, Gold blend, Black gold blend, Blend 37, Alta Rica, Cap Columbie, Suraya or Azera? Gold Blend? Ok got it!  Milk, cream or Coffee Mate? (I'm beginning to regret inviting you now)! You don't mind, milk it is then (I'll save the Coffee Mate for me)! Sugar? Yes? White sugar, brown sugar or a sweetner? Brown sugar? Oh you're posh! One lump or two?

Cake or a biscuit? A biscuit, which sort do you like? A digestive, Rich tea, custard cream, jammie Dodger, ginger biscuit, Oreo, shortcake or a chocolate chip cookie? What? You can't make your mind up? I think I have a better idea! Shall we go to Starbucks? Yes? Great! So dear readers do you prefer tea or coffee?

What's on TV?

What's on tv? That's the question that's always asked of me. I have hundreds of channels so they're bound to find something. But to be honest I don't care in the slightest what they watch as long as its something because I spend most of the day switched off.
Hello, I suppose I better ask you how you are,  I'm ok I guess though I could do with a dust. I'm sure Bosslady will get around to it soon, I say lady as Bossman never ever dusts me, though thinking about it he watches me more than anyone!

I'm Kojak the television (I was named after the "Telly" Savalas character) and I'm the miserable bloke that sits in the corner of the room. I'm married to Veronica the Virgin (is she hell a virgin)media box, she sits on the shelf underneath me, the best place for her as far as I'm concerned! On the bottom shelf is Delilah the DVD player but she's retired now. Me and Veronica have two children, Randy Remote and Raquel Remote. They live on the coffee table and are good friends with Jason the iPhone.

  Nearly every evening my owners sit together on their sofa staring at me. Now and again they laugh, occasionally Bosslady cries at sad movies or programmes but mostly they just stare at me with a blank look on their faces, (though I think that's normal for Bossman).  What I do approve of though is there love of documentaries, I've learnt such a lot, such as, did you know that there are 1792 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower and the only place you can "tickle" yourself is the roof of your mouth (try it as obviously I haven't a mouth, or a finger for that matter).

When they go to bed its Bernard the bedroom TVs turn. Bernard was telling me that when they go to bed its the old chap that turns him on but as soon as he's decided on which channel to watch then he immediately goes to sleep. The lovely young lady then switches Bernard off and plays with Jason!

On occasion the Bosses play on Will (the Wii console). They enjoy a variety of games including tennis, bowling, table tennis and the old fellar likes playing tactical games but the funniest for me to watch is "Just Dance" where they and their house guests attempt to keep up with the dance moves on my screen. It's hilarious!
You've heard the phrase "fly on the wall" well I bet you never heard about the "Tv in the corner". Ha, I bet you never thought about that one, did you?  I'm not just here for your entertainment you know, oh no, you often entertain us televisions too.

Oh no Lady has turned me off and my red light will go off in seconds. Doesn't she want to know.....
What's on tv?